Goals to Action Newsletter

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How to Improve Your Listening Skills


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According to Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who
lived over 2000 years ago, the reason we have two
ears but only one mouth is so that we can listen
twice as much as we speak!

You see, there's a difference between listening
and hearing, and it's the difference between
passive listening and active listening. Active
listening is just that -- active.

When we're actively listening, we're making a
conscious effort to stay actively engaged in a
conversation. Instead of passively letting the
other person's words pass through our ears, we're
processing what the other person is saying and
trying to truly understand them.

Active listening can be a challenge, but it's
worth it.

Misunderstandings are often the root of
arguments. However, misunderstandings are often
avoidable through being an active listener.

One reason is that active listening involves
completely hearing a person out. A
misunderstanding can occur when we conclude that
we know what a person is saying after only a few
sentences, and we then tune them out to begin
formulating our response.

When we do this, we miss the full explanation
of that person's feelings and concerns, as well as
the subtle nuances -- such as body language, tone
of voice, and facial expression -- that provide a
good deal of insight into a person's meaning.

Formulating our rebuttal while the other person
is speaking is, arguably, the greatest barrier to
active listening. We pick up bits and pieces of
what the speaker is saying and begin thinking
about what we want to say in response.

A related barrier to active listening is
judging the content of what a person is saying
instead of listening to the person's intent.
Certain words or topics can really push our
buttons, triggering anger or an urge to get
defensive.

When we're upset by what a person is saying, we
stop listening all together and focus on our
anger, thinking, "How dare he say that!" or, "Boy,
do I have something to say to that!"

Emotional responses to statements are
completely normal and even healthy. What we can do
to avoid emotion overpowering our ability to
listen is to simply take note of how something
makes us feel and temporarily tuck it away
-- avoid dwelling on the anger.

Then, when it's time to respond, share the
emotion in a productive way by saying something
like, "When you said X, it made me feel upset,
frustrated, etc." A statement like this one has
the added benefit of repeating back to the speaker
what he or she said. Rephrasing a speaker's
statement lets that person know you were truly
hearing what was said and can help ensure that
your understanding of that statement is accurate.

The rebuttal-planning that often goes on while
we're listening is why passive listening is also
sometimes referred to as "argumentative
listening." It seems like an oxymoron to pair up
the words passive and argumentative. However,
passive listening can easily lead to argument
because it doesn't promote understanding; it
promotes conflict. We're being argumentative
listeners because we're more concerned with
forming come-backs than with resolving the
situation amicably.

But active listening isn't just appropriate for
situations involving conflict. We should also be
active listeners in daily conversations and also
in situations, such as classrooms or meetings,
when we're listening to learn rather than
participating in two-way dialogue.

I'm sure we've all got to admit that we've been
passive listeners during a lecture or two at
school. It's forgivable. Who hasn't had the
occasional Ben Stein-esque professor? Passive
listening does have its place.

For instance, we're usually passive listeners
when watching TV or listening to the radio. There
is at least one other time when passive listening
is acceptable and even desirable. Sometimes a
friend or co-worker is looking to vent about a
frustrating experience or a bad day. In that case,
our buddy is just looking for a sounding
board--someone to nod sympathetically and not
necessarily provide feedback.

As you can see, passive listening isn't wrong.
Instead, we've just got to know when and where
it's appropriate.

Here are some simple action steps for improving
your listening skills:

1) Don't finish other people's sentences.

2) Don't daydream while the person is talking
(it's easy to space out and start thinking about
what you're going to cook for dinner).

3) Plan your response after the person has
finished speaking, even it means there will be a
delay in the conversation. A bit of silence is
well worth it.

4) Provide feedback in the form of rephrasing what
you heard.

5) Take note of non-verbal cues. They're an
important part of communication.
 
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